Day 12: Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011)

If the 'Transformers' series was personified, it'd be the macho, douchebag prettyboy... and I'd be the slut he abuses that still comes back for more.

Starring: Shia Labeouf, Patrick Dempsey, Leonard Limoy
Directed by: Michael "Bay-splosion" Bay

The Positives:

- If you're going to see this movie, do yourself a favor and see it in 3-D. It was glorious.

- We FINALLY get to see some fighting on Cybertron! Though it's only about two minutes at most and everybody is in spaceships, but still. Dope.
- If you're thinking about skipping the film due to an excessive lack of Megan Fox, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley provides plenty of hotness to the final installment of the series. Think you'll miss Megan's ass bending over in short shorts? Bay provides the audience with enough Huntington-Whiteley upskirts to keep the perv in all of us satisfied. Oh, and just so you know, she's introduced ass-first, and the camera stays on her langerie-clad rear for 80% of her first scene.
- Actually, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley was a much better actress than I expected, and she provided much more to the story than the previous bullet point indicated. (Even if there is about twenty-minutes of cohesive story.)

- So many 'Star Trek' references (Okay two, but one was an on-screen cameo by Limoy as Spock as seen on Sam's television.)

- Lazerbeak was bad-fucking-ass. Just sayin'.

- A Mexican standoff? With Transformers? Dear lord, my fan-fics have come true!

- Alan Tudyk!

- Was that John DiMaggio's voice I heard? Yes! Yes it was.

- Hey, Barricade retuned! Albeit briefly.

- The final fight scene was at least 45 minutes to and hour. It was tiresome yes, but damn if it wasn't epic, more than making up for the weak ending of the second film.

- I know most people had to admit this about a "Transformers" film, but I really did have a lot of fun watching it. I may have a lot of negatives below, but those couple of irks didn't take too much from my enjoyment. Too much.

The Negatives:

- Even with the two racist Autobots removed from the series, Michael Bay still found a way to annoy us with Brains and Wheelie.

- John Malkovich's character was annoying as hell too.
- Not to mention, Ken Jeong's scenes felt way too cartoonish for a 'Transformers' film... Wait. Yes I know how crazy that sounds.

- Going into this movie, I believed Shockwave was going to be the main villain, as the press would have you believe. However, he was a third-teir baddie at MOST. Hell, I think Starscream did more damage than Shockwave did.

- Luckily, Sam's parents have hardly any screen time, but when they're there, you notice. Mom's talking about the size of their son's penis should not be allowed to ever be filmed. Ever. It's not funny.

- Actually, I'm surprised by how many jokes fell-flat in this film. Normally, the writers provide one-or-two chuckles, but either all the jokes in this film felt forced or just poorly timed.

- Apparently, somewhere between filming and the final release, the Transformers formally known as Wheeljack and Mirage had their names changed to Que and Dino, receptively. While I understand that a lot of the original series's fans are happy their classic characters weren't bastardized, I would've much rather they kept the names seeing as Que and Dino don't sound especially Autobotic. Also, the former names would've made the final scene with Que calling Bumblee "Old friend" all the more enchanting considering Bee and Wheeljack shared the very first scene of the original cartoon with each other. (Though I suppose this won't bother anybody who's unaware of this change, like most of the viewing audience.)
- I think Michael Bay just ends his movies when the final fight is over. "Okay, boys! That's how you end a movie!" "Uhh... Sir, shouldn't you probably provide the film, nay, the series with some kind of closure?" "Oh... I suppose. Somebody film me a montage!" I actually kind of like this, considering how exhausting the final fight scene was, but I have a feeling that enough people care about a film's story that I should probably file this under the Negatives section. (Don't worry, I never plan on being this lazy when I direct movies.)

- This is less a critique of the film and more of a complaint about society in general. The men in the row behind me at the cinema constantly talked about the dumbest stuff, like "Dude, does that Chernobyl place really exist or was that something that happened between this and the second film?" while the man in the row in front of me thought it was okay to answer is phone in the middle of the damn movie and talk about it with his buddy. Dear lord, doesn't anybody have respect for the average movie-goer anymore?

Grade: B

The 'Transformers' series is loud, dumb and obnoxious, yet I still always manage to have fun. Somehow.